Nice guys finish last

I'm frustrated, so naturally, livejournal is the solution. I'm getting tired of flaky and "busy" people. Fuck that noise. If you really wanted to hang or do something you would do it. I have my flaky moments too, but they don't happen offen. Even if I do flake out, I at least give a reason why, usually. If I don't want to do something I usually just say no. A couple people lately have just been really annoying with their "being busy." I'd just like to say that I worked 30 or more hours and took 5 classes in school during some semesters, and still made time for people. I don't want to sound pretentious, but my friend Kat (hello kat, you're probably reading this) had a going away party last week. I went because I have known her for the past few years and felt like it would be important to see her off. I was surprised by the lack of a few key people that knew her YEARS before I did. I just don't get it. I guess watching too many movies about people being "too busy" for their family or friends has made me hate people who just make excuses on why they can't give five minutes of their time. Even if you do flake out, at least let people know instead of getting people's hopes up.

It's gonna take a while for me to feel truly happy again. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but I am hurting and it will take some time to make it go away. Why did I do this to myself?

Ill talk more about it later, but I feel like a different person here. Prepare for Ryan 2.0 when I get back. I got new clothes. Looking good, feeling good. Situations are going to change for the better in all areas of my life.

I met this girl in Daytona. I know almost nothing about her. We stayed up late and just had a really fun night with her friends and mine. She says she did too. She lives in Brooksville. I can't stop thinking about her. I don't know if I'll ever see her again. She probably doesn't feel the same way. This sucks. Every time I go on vacation I meet someone that I can never have. I think I fall way too fast and I don't know how to stop it.

I've had plenty of things happen to me for a few entries, but I just haven't felt the need to write them down here. I've been alright. No complaints really. I still don't have a job but I am looking and hopefully one will jump out from somewhere (same goes for a relationship).

A lot of people on facebook and myspace seem to either be having kids or getting married. It kinda freaks me out a little bit. I love kids and want marriage but....it just seems like such a far away thing for me. I don't even want to think about it right now. It's weird to think that 50 years ago I probably would have had 2 kids and a steady job right now. Hopefully I will work out my career and get settled before I have to do any of that stuff. I just feel bad for people my age who are just out of college and already have kids and are married. I know that some, hell probably most of them wanted that life right now, but I still see them as kids. 22 years old and married with a kid?! You were just a kid only a few years ago yourself. I'll wait. I'll do all that stuff when I'm ready. We're all different but it just seems so crazy to me.

Lately I don’t think of you at all
Or wonder what you’re up to
Or how you’re getting on
I never think of calling you
Or how things could have been
Or wonder where you sleep at night
Or whose arms you wake in
I’m living alone, living alone
I don’t need you anymore
I’m living alone, living alone
I don’t need you anymore
Lately
I don’t get lost in daydreams
I never lay awake at night
Staring in my bed
And I don’t think about your face
Or anything you’ve said
And I don’t think twice
When someone says your name
Or twist my mind in circles
Wondering which of us to blame
I’m living alone, living alone
I don’t need you, anymore
Living alone, living alone
I don’t need you anymore
I never walk alone and think
Of all the empty words
Or wonder when the day will break
Or when the time will turn
And I don’t break down
When someone says your name
Or twist my mind in circles
Wondering which of us to blame
I’m living alone, living alone
I don’t need you anymore
Living alone living alone
I don’t need you anymore
Lately I don’t think of you at all
Lately
Oh, lately

Getting really tired of this no girlfriend thing. I have free time, but I've been single long enough. I got it out of my system. I wish I could hang out with friends and not feel weird or slightly depressed by seeing how happy they are with their gf. I need a change of scenery or a change of venue because downtown and the round up just don't seem to have the type of girl I want. I don't like games and I don't like chasing, but a lot of girls do. I just wish it were easier like this-

Me- "Hello, you are extremely gorgeous and seem really cool. We seem to have a lot in common. Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? My treat."

Girl- "Why, absolutely! Let's do it on (set day) at (set time). I'll text you during the week and definitely won't ignore your texts and make you waste your time."

Me- "Awesome. I'll definitely see you on (set day) and I know you won't bail or flake!"

Girl- "Sure won't! I hate playing games and I understand that you're a nice and smart guy!"


In my dreams

that's pretty much it :(

sigh*

At getting a girlfriend. Always have been, probably always will be. The only exception is probably Ashley but I still seriously have no idea how I pulled that off. I think I just have some self destruct mechanism somewhere in my brain that subconsciously sabotages me when I start to pursue someone. I think in the back of my mind, I know that these people are not really my type, but right now I'm kind of lonely and it seems that I'm interested in any good looking girl who will have a conversation with me. I honestly think that when it takes a hell of a lot of effort to try and make something happen, it's probably not worth it. I only mean that when talking about starting a relationship. With Cari and Ashley it was almost effortless. I loved both of them a lot. I think just all this time I've been trying really hard and I just need to stop. The only thing is that you have to try a little bit in order to get noticed. I just don't know where the line is. I'm horrible at reading body language and noticing signs that someone likes me. I might have the worst perception ever. Then by the time I realize that someone could be interested, it's too late and I never make a move (or I make a move when it's too late and it's really awkward). I don't know. There's also the fact that I am really picky. I mean, not too picky, but I want a girl who just has stuff in common with me. Movies, music, shows, places to hang out, food. Is that so hard to ask for? That's also why I kind of want to go to NYC. There is so much diversity and people seem to have a lot of the same tastes as me. I don't know. I just know I'm a good guy and I feel like I deserve someone awesome. "All good things come to those who wait." Well, I'm fucking waiting. Something better happen soon.

So, I went out with some people this weekend. I actually hung out with some of brett's friends without brett. I had fun, but it bugged me that I didn't really feel like part of the group sometimes. I tried, but it was kind of hard. I usually like to think of myself as an outgoing guy, but some of the guys I was with on Saturday were out of control. I'm not sure if they are just immature or if it's just their personality. I don't like to bad-mouth people, but I just feel like I'm too uptight or too serious most of the time. Personally, I can't stand some of these people, but I do really like a couple of them as well. I stayed at a hotel with my friend Jen, her friend Tim and his girlfriend on Sat night. I tried to be cool and make jokes but I wasn't really getting anywhere. Tim would make masturbation and fart jokes non-stop. It got really old after a while, but apparently everyone else thinks he's hilarious. I don't want to say that a lot of Brett's friends aren't cool. I think they all just have a similar type of personality and I just don't gel with them. I have a very dry, sarcastic and ironic sense of humor. It just pisses me off when I make clever quips or comments and no one seems to find it funny, but then a dude makes a face/good old fart joke and everyone loses their minds. I know I probably sound arrogant and egotistical, but it's just really frustrating to try and fit in with people who....I hate to say it....are in their own little bubble. I like stimulating conversation and I like different things. Do I like popular stuff too? Yes, I do like rap and country, but I also try to expand by trying new things. I feel like I'm being one of those scene kids who think they're better than everyone, and maybe I am acting like that, but if I'm hang out with these people some more, I at least want something in fucking common.

So, I'm about to go out as Lloyd Dobler (Cusack) from Say Anything. Really good costume. Trench coat is a little tight but hey, I need to show off my ripped figure anyway (sarcasm). Listening to Peter Gabriel right now and trying to get pumped up haha. Well, today was my last day of work at the law firm. I've been there four years. It was bittersweet I guess. I am going to miss the place, but I'm glad I have some free time for the next 2 months to work on more important things. I always connect Halloween lately with loneliness. The past couple Halloween's weren't that great. I had sub par costumes and I just wasn't into it. I miss going trick or treating with all my friends in my old neighborhood. Hell, I just miss my old neighborhood. I don't like that Halloween is now "dress up sexy/stupid and get drunk" night. I miss that rush of running down the street, wind flowing through the slits in my darth vader mask in order to get to the next candy giving home. I miss just having fun on halloween and having a shitload of candy that wouldn't affect your pant size over the few weeks you eat it. Sitting here writing this is proof that it just wasn't as good as when we were kids.

I remember sitting in my living room, all the windows in my house open, watching cartoons and doing hw outside because the weather was so nice. I want that again. I wish I could have dinner outside with my family the way I used to. Typical feelings of nostalgia and I really just need to get over it, but fall just has a special place in my heart. I feel like a different person in the fall.

I'm getting off the subject a little bit here. Work was good. I really didn't do much of anything. I talked to everyone about me leaving, and I just tried to have a good last day. I was a little upset though at first. Usually when someone leaves the office, the office staff buy a big card and everyone signs it with well wishes and things like that. Well, I noticed as the day went on that I wasn't going to get one of those. I could just tell. I went over to Michele and talked to her about it. I told her I was kind of upset because I've always felt like the bottom of the totem pole at the firm. She felt really bad for me. Well, a few hours later she came up to me and gave me an envelope. I opened it, and inside was a card with everyone's signature and best wishes for me. I was really surprised. Apparently she was really upset that no one did anything for me so she went out and bought a card. She went around to everyone and got them to sign it. I was speechless. It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

This weekend had a lot of highs and lows. I'm not gonna get into everything. I had a ton of fun, but also a little disappointment. Thank God the Rays won. I was at the game and it was unreal. If they lost my weekend would have been ruined for sure. Anthony and Alison's wedding was really awesome. It might be the most fun I've ever had at a wedding because I was surrounded by friends. The after party at Brett's neighbors was kind of lame. Basically everyone seemed really drunk and tired so we mostly just sat around. I wanted to go swimming but no one else seemed to want to. Saturday night I went out with Niel, Monica, Krystina and Steve. Cody, Regi and his gf (i think) nicole came out. I had an ok time. I felt bad for Monica though. She had to drive herself and so she didn't drink too much, and she didn't feel good for a while. I started to not feel good as well. I was going to go swimming (I guess I really wanted to swim this weekend lol) but it was way too cold. I shouldn't complain about that though cause the cold felt amazing. I was hoping to just have a fun drunken night, but it was just alright. I think I just had my expectations pumped up too much for friday and sat night. I had fun, but just not as much as I wanted to. There's more stuff I could talk about but I don't really want to on here lol.

I was technically let go today from my job. I work for a law firm, Fowler White Boggs Banker. They have branches throughout FL. The St. Pete branch is breaking off into a completely different law firm, and my boss told me today that i won't be joining them. My last day is Halloween :( Kind of ruins the holiday for me. I thought this might happen, but i'm still going to miss the place. So....I wasn't fired for doing a bad job at least. Not sure what I'm gonna do :/

Well, I spoke with my aunt yesterday. Just to catch up, but she pretty much said I could live with her in Lyndhurst New Jersy if I wanted to commute to NYC for an internship. So....yea, one giant step closer to actually making it happen. I have a place to stay! Now I just have to look for an internship/job.

that this person can ignore me and make it seem so easy? It really sucks that she doesn't seem interested in what's going on with me, and I always have to start the conversation. I want to know everything she's been up to but I don't want to come off as needy or annoying. I haven't really been starting up conversations with her. I'm trying to see what she does, but so far she seems like she doesn't care AT ALL. It's maddening. It almost feels like if I stopped talking to her, she would be fine and just carry on her merry little life.

So this weekend was fun. It really was, no sarcasm here. The whole Regi/Niel fight over Krystina was actually kind of funny. Bretts party was a blast and I'm sure next week's will be even better.

Besides that though, I'm still confused over this whole thing with this person I'm hanging out with. It was cool and nice for about a month or two, but now it's getting weird and really confusing. I mean there is no possibility for a relationship here, but I still get mad when we go out and she comments about other guys with her friends, like I'm not even there. I told her that stuff like that bothered me. We are not in a relationship. That's fine, but don't talk about other guys right in front of me. After I told her this she said that she respected me because no guy has ever told her that before.

I just wish she realized that she doesn't have to take me out to dinner all the time and try to buy me off. I like her. I know that she is a good person, but she just chooses to shut me out and do whatever she wants. She says she cares, but actions speak louder than words in this case.

Ok, so this semester of school is just starting, but I'm already thinking about possibly going another semester. I feel like if I graduate in the fall, I won't have any experience at all. I am going to try to get another internship in the spring and then graduate in may. I am going to try to get one in NYC or LA. Time Warner's website shows hundreds of fall internships right now, and I'm pretty confident I could get one in the spring. I'll take one anywhere. If I can show that I've done work in NYC or LA with the big boys then I think that will give me a good advantage. I'm going to try to go for a film studio or production company. Dr. Silvia is going to LA for in a couple weeks I think to look at entertainment media, which is perfect for me. I can ask him all about it when he gets back and maybe he can help me out with his connections.

So...yea, I wanna get away for a little while just to see if I can make it in a big city. I have family I could possibly stay with in Jersey and then commute to NYC when I need to. It is exciting to think about.

Why am I messing around with two people that I can never be in a relationship with. This is going to end badly.

So, not a lot of luck with the ladies. I'm not sure how to try to hang out with people and not seem desperate or annoying if I keep asking. It doesn't help when it feels like I always do the asking. Why do I do all the work? Why can't YOU ever ask ME to do something? WTF? If someone asks me to hang out, I usually make my best effort to make it happen. I'll go out of my way to see someone. When I ask certain people, they give me vague answers as to why they cant. I wish they would just be honest and tell me to stop trying.

I also need to find new places to hang out. Clubs and Bars are not going to present me with my next possible girlfriend. It's just not the type of place I'd want to meet someone for a relationship. Granted, I'm sure about 90% of the people who go there just want to get laid or to have fun with friends, but that's not necessarily what I want. I'm pretty sure I'm only gonna find a girl in a normal, yet slightly awkward place like the grocery store or some other store like target or some shit. There's this girl at Movie Stop who's pretty cute, but I have no idea how to ask her out when she's working. Maybe I should just walk right up and just ask.

I am clueless. I have so many crazy things going on and so many thoughts going through my head at once. I don't even know how to process everything.

One thing that I can talk about is the fact that Ashley and I have been talking. Nothing more than texting and IM chats, but it's a hell of a lot more than we've done in the past 6 months. I'm not really sure what to make of it, and I'm going into this cautiously. She texted "I miss you" to me while I was in St. Augustine. She told me she broke up with her boyfriend and she is probably just venting to me about her problems. In a rare ego-tripping moment I considered maybe she is trying to start things again with me, but I after thinking about it, that's probably not the case. Maybe I'm better off that it's not the case.

I just don't know what to do. I am lonely and would like a relationship. I miss having someone, but I really don't think being tied down is the best thing for me. I have dreams, and if i get attatched to someone I might not be strong enough to leave that person behind to pursue those dreams. By some type of insane luck, I hope that my professional career as well as my love life peak at the same time.